Citius, altisu, fortius

The motto of the Olympic Games, Latin for 'Faster, Higher, Stronger'.

Raise your hands if you had one hell of a good year! Because I didn't. Not that I wasn't happy, happiness is an emotional state, involving positive emotions at a very specific time. People tend to compare happiness to other feelings but happiness itself englobes a lot like satisfaction, fulfillment, joy... I have been happy many times during the year, after dancing on my own at night, after sharing a bottle of wine with a friend... Getting out of work at 7 am and wandering around the city made me happy as so as throwing a "legal small gathering party".

I was happy, but I was more unhappy.

I always carried a battle between my ego (rather a perfection) and my goals. Citius, altisu, fortius is actually my motto. My goals are high, but my path is not in the direction where I want to reach the top. My bad year, as for many, was caused, of course, by the global health situation yet I already had problems even before the pandemic has outbreak. I wanted to isolate myself at the very beginning and try to focus on my writing, reading neurosciences, and astronomy. I wanted to put myself in an online physics school, immerse myself in sci-fi because that as far as I know is the only subject I had always loved with infinite love.

Real-life sucked, but I had responsibilities and wanted to take some more to forget my to-do's. This year I struggled, thinking I have lost time for not reading all I wanted to read. I am a book worm, I had my best time reading and dreaming. I had a lot of rejections this year, as a "Welcome to Adulthood" gift, the only thing I couldn't reject was the school I was going. There is so much to do in so little time, it's like whenever you say you will come back, your place is taken way before you do. Why growing up is so difficult? Am I in my quarter-life crisis? How do people do, I wonder... How can they set their hobbies aside? Finding a balance between school and social life is one thing, finding a balance between school + social life + SELF is a whole new level (exigence surhumaine). Combining all 3 in one is vacation.

I wanted the combination of 3, I feel like I end up losing all half is my fault the other half is the cruel world but I'm still standing.

People think I am weird, but in a good way (I hope), and I love it. Being weird means interesting, and I am glad to be a little freakshow ahaha. But the way I show myself I guess like many of you is not quite me. It's a reflection of my struggle. I can't decide who to be when I'm with someone, again one side wants perfection other just to be me the weirdo. I hate being subjective, but can't always be objective either so when my gut is telling me to dislike someone, I do it without question. I have some strooong vision of the world and people, and when people oppose it, I struggle but I work hard not to say much because as they can't change my ideas I know I can't do that to them either. I am openminded but lack of evidence and statistics, all the subjectivity I hear, pushes me to make random decisions in life, later on I regret. I'm not a genius, but I feel I like everything to not to be like one either. Where did my ambition go? Also my self-respect?

I believe, we humanity has a natural need to learn what's happening around us. We are born to investigate, it's written in the history of mankind. Most of the animals don't have curiosity as we do (as far as we know), but those who have can't make the tools to explain everything that we can.

All I want to do is to learn and show what I have learned. If I can make the smallest contribution to scientific knowledge, OMG(!) I will be eventually satisfied but not fully done, I will continue my attempts to achieve something. I want to learn, leaaaarn and learn! Learn what I want to learn, my general curiosity flew away this year (sorry cardiology:). Ahahah just kidding, but it was a hard year trying to focus on things that didn't catch my attention.

I don't want to feel bothered by my social conventions nor obligations. I don't want to feel like I'm still in high school, not knowing where to go because my head is messed up (a story for another time:). I want to feel achieved, maybe not stable but achieved. I want to be in the life I want to live. I hate the boundaries put by 3rd parties, governments, superiors. Who says what can I do and what I can't, right? Why do I feel all this, all of sudden? Because it's not all of a sudden, I always feel like crap and I say "STOP"!

I want to get somewhere where everyone will know me by my achievement, I don't care if they remember my name. This time I want to make my efforts for something I really care, so that I will know I'll deserve the best and stop blaming who I am.

The best thing about "The Theory of Everything" is that no one can prove it wrong unless we find a secure way to travel in time and in dimensions to see what happens. The best thing about black holes is that you don't know exactly what will happen to you once you get close enough to be sucked in. You will most likely be spaghettified at an instant but don't know if you will suffer or perceive time in a mystic way. The best thing about being you is that no one else is and about being young, it is never too late for anything, or you hope that's the case. I have me, my thought and my journey and I hope to re-write this essay at the end of summer and the year to show you what has changed. Spoiler alert : ghosts and spaceships may be included.

Faster, Higher, Stronger alright, but where I want to be!

We all have dreams, don't we? How many of you are satisfied with your life? How many of you are satisfied just because you are feeling OK or neutral because it is easy "not to change and start from the bottom". How many of you have given up a dream, because your goals are high and your ego chose your destiny for you? How many of you are ex-musicians, ex-athletes, ex-dreamers? How many of you?

Faster, Higher, Stronger, where you want to be!

I am back here, and will continue with short stories, scientific facts for a while, see you in a couple stars;)