Dear Diary,

For those who know me enough, I lack concentration for things that don't interest me. Rather a very important task awaits or I'm the one who decides to initiate something I get bored over a month or an hour. I know, I have a commitment issue.

On the other hand, I can't stop doing or trying things. I blame bedtime for stealing my precious moments. OK, every moment is precious and sleep is a must get. Yet each and every day I feel like I have more to learn and discover, so where the fck I'm gonna find the time to do all? How do everyone live like this? No matter what I do not to sleep, I sleep even more the next day, as my biological needs take over.

While there a few things staying stable in my life, my personal favourite is walking. Walking when I feel like it, when I can't take the pressure of people, exams and other demands, whenever I can't obey my own rules as much as the others', when I feel lonely and therefore unchained to people (which is good), when I want to walk, when I have a lot to do and don't want to sleep... I prefer nights. I walk especially at nights, it's a habit I got back in Turkey. You know, in winter you're at school, in summer it is 40 °C outside during daytime .

Here in Strasbourg I kept my night routine for two years, and that what made me so positive about the things I was going through. Then this year I started going out with my new friends, so I kinda delayed walking for a while, since it took extra valuable time too. (It doesn't mean I didn't do sport though ahaha I'm always energetic)

Don't know what makes me so stressed about time, I can hear my own heart beat when I'm happy or excited, but also anytime something unpredicted interrupts me. Actually its worse, if something even tries to interrupt me doing something casual, like reading a book, I feel like my heart's gonna burst out of my chest.

Today, I stepped outside to actually walk (not to connect my phone to campus wifi:) for the first time during daytime since the quarantine began. I was glad to see the people who are enjoying the sun, care-free , with or without masks. As I walked with my mix of fav jams, I smiled more and felt awesome. Suddenly, it bumped me like-- I wasn't alone.

If you have never stayed in Strasbourg for a long time you'd know usually after certain p.m. the streets are empty. You can't find people outside, it's cold, it's creepy even for a beautiful European city.

Since the government re-authorised going outside without restrictions on May 11th 2020, people started to walk around and gather like all the risks disappeared!

I wasn't alone, there were hundreds of people walking past me. I freaked out. Not because of the idea that people I don't know were having picnics.

I freaked out that someone I know might say hello...

It was a strange feeling, electrocuted from the top of my spine, my stomach feeling not so well, lungs shrank but my ribcage grew

, hard to breathe. I started to walk faster and avoid looking at young faces. I never felt that before, I love seeing people- or so I thought.

I was so happy to be alone after 10 months of not living solo- I was celebrating by binge eating and binge dancing everyday. I got used to it, because this was not my first time, I love being alone since I was little, we all do and it helps us make reflections about ourselves and life. But I guess me, myself and I alone we forget the others around us, dismiss their existence and that should make me feel scared. Right now I'm only concerned to feel the opposite...

Am I overthinking stuff then that's the result I get?

PFFffff, I can't keep writing now, it makes me think everything that stresses me out. Keeping up with the world, my failures, my in/differences, and I gotta study for an another online exam that I know at the time I won't have enough internet to connect because I'm spend it all looking through stuff...